I'm famous now and I command you to buy my book THIS WEEKEND!
This first week is the most important for my sales!
A small update since my last post: I’m extremely famous now. And as such, I’ve begun weeding my non-famous friends out of my life. It’s nothing personal, but as an extremely famous person, I will only be fraternizing with other extremely famous people henceforth. In fact, unless you yourself are also extremely famous, perhaps you should stop reading this.
Life is pretty cool when you're extremely famous. I don’t even have to write my own newsletters anymore. I am dictating this one to my assistant at the moment. Oh and Linda, include a nice photo of me with this—something that makes me look sexy but also humble. Sexuamble. Is that a word? Don’t write that. Stop writing this. Linda, goddammit I said st
So anyway me and my acclaimed book SELLOUT have been covered this week in many prestigious publications and I have been a guest on several prominent podcasts.
First off, I was on a little thing called NPR. Uhhh, ever heard of it??? A very big thanks to Andrew Limbong and All Things Considered for having me on. There’s some great input from fellow famous person Tim McIlrath of Rise Against. They also asked if I had any clips of Jawbreaker shitting on major labels while on stage and I unearthed some funny ones that got used in the segment. Here’s another good one. I’ve got a trove of em!:
Wait, you’re saying you didn’t hear enough of my beautiful voice? Well, you’re in luck, because my friend, neighbor, and fellow extremely famous person Jeremy Bolm had me on his First Ever Podcast. He of Touché Amoré fame. I talked about my entire life including getting started in writing by writing obituaries in my local newspaper when I was 21. Yesterday a woman walking her dog shouted to me on the street, “Hey I just heard you on First Ever Podcast!” (It was Jeremy’s fiancée but I don’t think that’s relevant.)
But enough listening. You’d like to read my perfect and beautiful words in print, you say. Great, because I discussed my artistic process with The Creative Independent and divulged my secrets to becoming an incredibly successful author. My friend Emma Garland also had the honor of chatting with me over at VICE. I also talked to Chorus.fm who really understood how to cut right to the core of what the people want with this perfect tweet:
“Obviously, you sound very smart and wise in these interviews, Dan. But can I read other people talking about how great and smart you are?” Yes, this review in New Noise said a lot of accurately flattering things about me. My assistant read it to me but I remember something about SELLOUT being the greatest book about rock music ever written. Hard to disagree!
Also, now that I’m extremely famous and incredibly rich (Did I mention I am incredibly rich now too? And I own every kind of classic car. Doubles of them, in fact.), I can afford to just give out sections of the book to the masses for FREE! In addition to the section from the My Chemical Romance chapter at Rolling Stone, here’s the book’s introduction at LitHub. How very generous of me!
I’m sure there has been more about me in the news, but it’s getting hard to keep up with all these well deserved accolades.
But here’s the most important question you’re probably asking yourself: “How can I help Dan Ozzi become more famous?” A great question. And here’s the answer: If you’re planning on buying SELLOUT, please, please, please, buy a physical copy **THIS WEEKEND**. First-week sales are incredibly important in the publishing industry. They can make or break a book. Obviously I’d prefer you’d buy it from your local indie bookstore, but if you buy it from Amazon or B&N, I understand! More important than the source is the timing. THIS WEEKEND IS WHEN IT COUNTS. I’m under a lot of pressure to maintain this level of fame! I gotta compete against books by people like Katie Couric and Dave Grohl. You think either of them give two fucks about you??? You think they’re having their assistants dictate newsletters to little nobodies like you on a damn Saturday? Linda, change that last part so that I don’t call the readers nobodies. Call the nobodies something better. Something that makes me sound really humble.
OK that’s it. Buy SELLOUT today!!!!! Take a walk or drive over to your local bookstore. You can listen to Dear You on the way and have a nice little day to yourself. And here’s a pro tip: buy a second copy! You already know you’re gonna buy this book for someone this Christmas, and the holidays are right around the corner. Do you really want to be shopping during that shitshow?? Finding a parking spot and waiting in line and smelling other customers? Ick! So buy one, or two, or three, and stick them in the closet for a month. A few weeks from now, you’ll have a stack of all-purpose white elephant gifts sitting there. Future You will thank you!
Thank you for the support in helping me stay at this level of worldwide fame. I can’t even imagine having to live like a normal person after this!