Was The Green Album any good?

Accidentally revisiting Weezer's much anticipated follow-up to Pinkerton.

This weekend I was making a rare drive through the fancy neighborhood of Beverly Hills 90210. If you’ve never been, it’s exactly like pop culture makes it out to be. Sunny, palm tree-lined blocks of gated, gaudy mansions with driveways full of Lambos and Maseratis. Having a very music-damaged brain as I do, naturally, I was inclined to listen to the song “Beverly Hills” by Weezer while I drove. So I threw on The Green Album and listened to it all the way through before realizing “Beverly Hills” is not actually on it. Whoops. But, if nothing else, it gave me the chance to give a long overdue revisit to the befuddling Green Album, perhaps one of my most personally anticipated records to come out in my lifetime.

As it happens, The Green Album turned 20 this month. Had I known that, I might’ve gotten my shit together and pitched an anniversary piece to some publications, but I don’t and I didn’t. Coincidentally, though, I came home from Beverly Hills to find Nate Rogers had done a pretty good job over at Stereogum, essentially painting it as the album Rivers Cuomo made in an attempt to give people more of what they loved about The Blue Album, which of course he failed to do.

Side note: I’m a big fan of watching interviews gone wrong. Rivers is a legendarily awkward subject. (I have had a lot of near-misses and polite rejections any time I’ve tried to get some one-on-one time with him. Rivers, if you’re reading this, do a Rank Your Records interview with me!) But somehow I’d never seen this painfully difficult Pinkerton-era interview on Australian TV until it was linked in the Stereogum piece. I realize Rivers doesn’t possess the personality for these sorts of social interactions, but oof. To his credit, though, the host did get his name wrong, so let’s cut him a little slack: 

But anyway, back to The Green Album. As I was cruising through Beverly Hills, I was trying to evaluate it with fresh ears. But listening now, it is really, really difficult to separate my feelings from the sting of purchasing it in 2001. One very Old Person Opinion I have is that music listeners were much more critical in the pre-streaming era. It’s harder to hate albums these days. You can give a new record a shot on Spotify and, if it’s not your cup of tea, you can move on with your day. No harm, no foul. I’ve evaluated the last, like, seven Weezer albums this way. But going to Best Buy on release day and dropping $9.99 was a bigger ask, and it came with more visceral blowback. Not only was I disappointed by The Green Album, I felt so slighted that it was the last Weezer album I ever purchased.

But even though I wasn’t blown away by its release in 2001, I spent money on it, so I forced myself to find the bright spots. And there are a few buried in there. I’ll get to those, but first, let’s shave off the dogshit.

The Bad

“Island in the Sun.” Dogshit. If we need tangible proof of how bad this song is, look no further than the fact that Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen essentially turned it into a direct-to-video family movie. (And also covered it! Woof!)

“Hash Pipe.” Dogshit. Ayy no disrespect to Rogers, who called it the album’s “best track by a mile,” but this was the most grating song Weezer had written at this point, although it has since been knocked down about 150 slots on that list. Don’t believe me? You don’t have to take my word for it. Many years ago, for The AV Club’s HateSong feature, I asked Brian Fallon his least favorite song in the world, and he chose “Hash Pipe.”

“Photograph.” Dogshit. Generally, I don’t like songs that a baby would enjoy. And this seems like a lil baby song. The clapping. The woo-oo-oohs. The lyrics. (“If you want it, you can have it, but you’ve got to learn to reach out there and grab it.”) Ick. Pre-school-ass sentiment. Sounds like a dad jingling his car keys above an infant.

“O Girlfriend.” No.

The Mediocre

“Don’t Let Go,” “Crab,” “Smile,” “Glorious Day,” “Simple Pages.” These all sort of blend together to me. Either there’s a decent riff ruined by some weird flanger or the lyrics are too vague and fail to pack any meaningful punches.

The Good

…Hm. I guess all that’s left is “Knockdown Dragout” which would’ve ranked in the bottom half had it appeared on The Blue Album or Pinkerton, but here ends up as the lone decent track. And by “decent,” I mean that I could easily never hear it again and be fine with that.

Alright, well, I guess there weren’t as many bright spots on The Green Album as I’d originally remembered. I can listen to it without wanting to tear my hair out like this new Van Weezer album does, but had it not followed my beloved Pinkerton and cost me $9.99, I doubt I’d have given it more than a few pity spins.

Speaking of Weezer, they’ve just rescheduled their Covid-delayed Hella Mega Tour with Green Day and Fall Out Boy which really hammers home how long this pandemic has been going on for, since, in one of the very first REPLY ALT posts wayyyy back in September 2019, I wrote about covering a sneak preview of the tour for Billboard. Did I have a great time seeing them in a little club? Yes. Would I pay $50+ to check it out in a stadium? Absolutely not. However, if Billboard or another outlet wants to send me to cover it, I’m game. (Ah, using my newsletter to shamelessly solicit paid assignments. Nature is healing.)

Hey, since I’m being completely shameless, there’s a new episode of No Plus Ones where David Anthony and I talked about… I don’t remember, actually. Mostly just random rants and complaints. We are really not trying very hard and that’s why we will never profit or succeed off this podcast, which is the goal. Anyway, the episode (as well as all the others) are on Spotify now.

David also went deep on ska history in his newsletter the other day, so if you enjoy newsletters in which you learn things and don’t just suffer through the author rambling and self-promoting for several paragraphs, check it out!

Speaking of ska (which everyone seems to be doing this month!), The Mighty Mighty BossToneS released a bewildering video about the killing of George Floyd that got such a bad reaction online that it seems to have been removed from Youtube entirely. (Still on Vimeo though!) And yeah, sure, maybe a grown white man who dances on stage with a ska band for a living was not the most well equipped figure to handle the sensitive nature of the racism and violence inherent to American police forces. But at least the BossToneS did us the courtesy of filming a bunch of it on a green screen, making it easier for me to insert our favorite skanker into iconic movie scenes, a hobby I admit to having spent way too much time on this weekend.

Here he is in Ferris Beuller’s Day Off.

Here he is in Back to the Future.

Here he is in that shitty Queen movie.

A Bosstone in Paris:

Jurassic Park:

Uncut Gems:

And The Breakfast Club:

Anyway, as you can see, I really have wayyyyyyy too much free time on my hands while I wait for my book to come out. (October 26, 2021. Have you pre-ordered it yet???) In fact, I have so much time that I just finished writing a long zine. I’m feeling a bit uncomfortable about putting it out into the world since it’s full of essays about “me,” but I’ve already sent them to the printer so it’s too late now oh well! Those will be available in two weeks provided they don’t get fucked up in production. And, as always, my wonderful paying subscribers will get discount codes. Want to become a paying REPLY ALT subscriber? Here’s 50% off an annual subscription!

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