Every morning, I open Twitter to see if ~*he*~ finally choked to death overnight while eating chicken wings on the toilet. After lamenting that he will live to see another day, I begrudgingly get sucked into whatever is the online debate du jour. Sometimes people are tearing each other apart over some innocuous bullshit like whether or not Gushers count as raviolis. Other times, the topic is more serious, like whether the Joker movie is inspiring incels to uh… do hate crimes on clowns or something (haven’t been following that one to be honest). But whatever the discourse, I try to steer clear of it entirely because anyone who believes their voice is necessary on any given subject is a complete psychopath and I want nothing to do with them. I firmly believe the internet should be used for I Think You Should Leave memes AND THAT’S IT. But today I figured I’d crack open a few internet articles that people were clamoring about this week to see if I had any opinions on them. Here we go!

The big thing I saw Writer Twitter arguing about this week was a profile of Rihanna on the cover of Vogue in which the writer admitted that she did not prepare questions prior to the interview and I guess people were mad that someone would show up unprepared to such a big opportunity and insert their professional incompetence into the story like that. Hey now! I write profiles of people! I’m professionally incompetent! Sometimes I very deliberately leave myself out of profiles. Sometimes I insert myself when I feel it’s appropriate. I see the merit in both! This is something I might actually have an opinion on! Alright then, time for me to give this Rihanna profile a read so I can chime in. 

OK let’s crack ‘er open, first graf:

RIHANNA is ready. First she moved our interview from Thursday to Wednesday. Then from evening to afternoon. When I get word of this latest change, on a slick and humid August day in Los Angeles, I have just enough time to shower and get to the Hotel Bel-Air.

Cool cool. Capitalizing the artist’s ENTIRE NAME very cool. Also love to get a lil behind-the-scenes look at the scheduling process—Thursdays, Wednesdays, AMs, PMs, time zones, calendar invites, all good stuff. If I were the editor, though, I might fact-check this a little harder since I have a tough time believing any real writer cares about their appearance enough to “shower” but go on…

Here’s the second graf:

Only three and a half years have passed since she presented her first Fenty x Puma collection at New York Fashion Week, a vision of gothleisure delivered to a clamoring world (“if the Addams Family went to the gym” was how she put it). At the time, design was something she was trying on; over the following year, Puma’s profits rose by 92 percent.

Hm OK this seems like it’s less about Rihanna and more about track suits or something? I do love Rihanna though, and profiles, so I will read on!

Here’s the next graf:

In 2017 Fenty Beauty introduced 40 shades of foundation in a business where a dozen was the norm—making a reported $100 million in the first 40 days and nearly $600 million in the first year. Dior, CoverGirl, and Revlon quickly followed, establishing a 40-shade standard now known as “the Fenty effect.” (Rihanna upped the ante again this summer with a hydrating foundation in 50 shades, writing on Instagram, “When the foundation takeova ain’t ova!”) In 2018 she unveiled Savage X Fenty, an intimates line available in many sizes and shades of “nude.” (The brand just secured a reported $50 million in new funding.)

OK right right. Totally. Couple of quick questions: I guess I just want to know what is Fenty what is Savage what is Dior are there any actual people in this profile and what do any of the words in this graf mean? This sounds like Bloomingdale’s ad copy and I’m starting to think maybe I’m mistakenly reading a pop up ad and not the actual article? But I shall push on to the next graf!

Now Rihanna is reimagining fashion at the highest levels. Fenty maison, the Paris-based line she founded with LVMH Moët Hennessy Louis Vuitton and announced this spring,

Alright that’ll do it for me. Thus far I’ve been familiar with fewer words than I’ve recognized and I’m afraid I must tap out at this juncture. I’m sure it would’ve been interesting to see how the writer inserted themselves into the piece but I can’t stick around for another 5,000 words about Louis Vuitton, Fenty x Fashion Week, Dior’s profit margins, 1110% increase in Q2 Revlon, Paris-based foundation, $200 million maison, Puma lifestyle brand, lip gloss, mogul, sauvignon blanc, reimagining fashion influence, black leather gloves, Prestige Worldwide-wide-wide, RIHANNA.

Before I get to our next article, I want to mention that I’ve been fully obsessed with the recent clip of Ellen explaining why she was spotted buddying up with George W. Bush at a football game. Everything about it is abhorrent. If there were a Rich Asshole Bingo, it would check every box. She even threw in a plug for the new iPhone in the middle of it. Enough has been said about it at this point that I don’t need to further dissect it, and you may be saying, “Who cares what Ellen does anyway?” Well, Ellen has over 78 million Twitter followers and god knows how many TV viewers, and her audience was APPLAUDING when she openly boasted about being friends with a war criminal who stole an election. 

What concerns me most is that this is a glimpse into how Bush will be remembered by future generations—a sweet, candy-eating codger who wasn’t that bad because hey at least he wasn’t Trump! I worry that kids will learn about him through this lens of revisionist history and miss the full scope of his atrocities. I don’t want to dilute the horrors of the person whose heinous reign throughout the mid-2000s greatened the suffering of so many people around the world.

Anyway, on an unrelated note completely separate and definitely different from the aforementioned revisionist history, Pitchfork took a look back at John Mayer’s 2001 album this week and gave it a glowing review. Why did they do this? I don’t know, but I saw people talking about it online and I guess I’m just morbidly curious enough to find out. Let’s dig in. Here’s the lede:

John Mayer has always been something of a critical bête noir.

This is fancy writer-speak but for those who don’t know, “noir” is French for black, so “bête noir” means Black Betty, the song by Ram Jam. The writer is saying that Mayer has been critical of “Black Betty” which is fucked up on account of that song whips ass whoa oh Black Betty bam a lam whoa oh bam a lam damn thing gone wild. Man that song rocks what is John Mayer’s problem anyway? The review goes on...

At the height of his fame in the mid- to late-’00s, as the guitar virtuoso and singer-songwriter was vacuuming up Grammys for harmless pablum like “Daughters” and “Say,” he became known for a notorious string of celebrity exes, from Jennifer Aniston to Jessica Simpson to Taylor Swift. Once a dependable source of amusing copy, he beat a forced retreat from the Hollywood media sphere after his increasingly incendiary interviews culminated in the use of a racial slur, followed by his tearful onstage apology during a February 2010 show in Nashville.

Ohhhhh right. That’s who John Mayer is. For some reason I thought he was the “what would you say?” guy who dumped his tour bus diarrhea on some people taking a boat ride but now I’m remembering. He’s the “my dick is a white supremacist,” dropping n-bombs in Playboy interviews guy. Alright well I’m afraid I must bid adieu early to this one as well. Farewell, browser tab! Off ye go to internet heaven.

Oooh, but while I’m on Pitchfork’s website I see that they’ve also reviewed Taking Back Sunday’s 2002 album Tell All Your Friends. Better late than never, I guess. Allllright, can’t wait for one of those good ol’ fashioned Pitchfork slayings of a mondo trash album aaaaaaaand they gave it an 8.0 alright that’ll do it for me today have a good one everybody. See you next week.