How would you soundtrack a Tony Hawk's Pro Skater game in 2020?
How would you soundtrack a Tony Hawk's Pro Skater game in 2020?
Because here are 15 songs I'd pick!
Hello how are you what have you been up to? I have been picking up my book-writing pace lately. I just finished a chapter that clocked in at 12,541 words (woof), and am 2,172 words into the next one. So, before I fall back into a writing hole, I thought I’d have some fun with today’s Thing That’s Distracting Me From Actual Work Because I Have Absolutely No Willpower To Not Check The Internet Compulsively.
It was just announced that there’s a new Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater game coming out this fall. It seems like it’s just a collection of updated material from the classic games although I didn’t look too deeply into it because I don’t own a gaming console, but I am pleased to announce that I did get a skateboard yesterday and landed one (1) perfect kickflip, followed by eight hundred and ninety five (895) failed subsequent attempts.
I tweeted sort of jokingly but not really that whoever’s in charge of this game should pay me hefty sums of money to soundtrack this thing since I can’t think of a job I’m more uniquely qualified to do.
But since I am essentially unemployable and have no respect for my time/services, I am going to GIVE MY OPINION AWAY FOR FREE. Below is a list of songs I would put on the soundtrack to a new Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater game. For the record, I’m not even saying I necessarily like these songs the best. What I’m saying is, were I tasked with the job of looking at the current state of moderately popular music and picking out tracks for a Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater soundtrack, this is what I think would be a good fit. I’m not going to look back through the old THPS soundtracks to see if any of these bands have ever appeared on them because I believe in tackling tasks with a fresh perspective and also I am very, very lazy.
So here are the tunes I think would pair well with an 8,000,000-point trick combo (360 flip over a police car to manual to hardflip to nosebluntslide down George Washington’s jaw on Mount Rushmore to 900 benihana grab spin over three homeless guys which they love putting in the game for some reason to manual down the Hollywood Walk of Fame to 50-50 across the billboards from Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri).
Oh, and if you want to see how the Birdman himself would rate his numerous soundtracks, check out this Rank Your Records interview with him that I once commissioned from writer Brendan Menapace.)
PUP - “Guilt Trip”
Yeah obviously I’m gonna start with this one. OBVIOUSLY.
Culture Abuse - “Dream On”
Truth be told: Whenever I played THPS, I turned the background music OFF because it would give me repetitive stress disorder by playing the same opening riff over and over and over. That said, this is my favorite song that I could absolutely see myself growing to loathe after my 500th attempt at collecting a secret video tape located above the W in the Hollywood sign or whatever.
Drug Church - “Hit Your Head, Greedy”
Another very repetitive song that I love but could grow to hate within 10 minutes and not want to hear it for another 15 years until someone puts it on in their car one day and I’m like, damn you know what this song still slaps.
Run The Jewels - “Close Your Eyes and Count to Fuck”
True story: One time I met Tony Hawk and for some reason asked to see what was in his iTunes. It was a lot of what you’d expect from a 52-year-old skateboard dad. Lots of Beck, Bjork, and Prophets of Rage, if I remember correctly. So I’ve got to think a Run the Jewels song featuring Zach de la Rocha would fit his rap/rock crossover needs. This is the 2020 equivalent of that Anthrax/Public Enemy song they put on the second game.
Skatune Network - ????
It is written into Pro Skater Law that each game must contain one ska song (ayo whaddup up Goldfinger’s “Superman”). I know this person does a lot of good ska covers. I guess they maybe do originals too? I’m sure if you gave them the parameters to write a ska song about Tony Hawk, they would not disappoint. Also, the game should make a choosable Rudeboy character. Just my opinion.
Jeff Rosenstock - “You, in Weird Cities”
Now, look, I’m not saying Jeff wrote the modern version of Millencolin’s “No Cigar,” but I’m not saying he didn’t! Let’s get this man on the soundtrack, yeah?
Modern Baseball - “Your Graduation”
This song just popped into my head for some reason and yes I could absolutely see this on the soundtrack. Like skateboarding itself, sometimes you just gotta trust your instincts.
Charly Bliss - “Under You”
Ditto.
Dead Kennedys - whatever
I can’t prove this but I think Jello Biafra must have scandalous dirt on someone high up at Activision or whoever makes these games and he leverages it to get Dead Kennedys songs on every soundtrack, forcing 15-year-old gamers to forever hear his whiny voice sing about Alexander Haig and a bunch of other people that died before they were born.
Dogleg - “Kawaski Backflip”
I regularly see people I know shitting their pants about this band that I think is *fine*. But I feel like if you’re gonna name your song “Kawaski Backflip” and it becomes your most popular song, that’s a sign from the heavens that people should do video game skateboard tricks to it.
Pkew Pkew Pkew - “Mid 20s Skateboarder”
I regularly see people I know shitting their pants about this band that I think is *fine*. But I feel like if you’re gonna name your song “Mid 20s Skateboarder” and it becomes your most popular song, that’s a sign from the heavens that people should do video game skateboard tricks to it.
Soul Glo - “But Fucking Why?”
It is my belief that anyone in charge of putting mainstream skateboarding video game soundtracks together has the duty to sneak a band like Soul Glo past the higher-ups.
Turnstile - “Generator”
I mean, this is just textbook Tony Hawk Pro Skater music.
Rotting Out - “Reaper”
Same.
Teenage Bottlerocket - “Skate or Die”
Fucking criminal that this song hasn’t been used in a THPS game. That I know of, anyway.
OK those are my obvious picks. Who do YOU think should make the soundtrack? Sound off in the friggin comments or on Twitter or whatever.
[UPDATE: I added more songs I think would fit. Mr. Hawk please hire me I’d be very good at this important job]:
Mutoid Man - "Friday the 13/8"
Illuminati Hotties - "You're Better Than Ever"
Cayetana - "Age of Consent" cover
Rozwell Kid - "Wendy's Trash Can"
Night Birds - “Born to Die in Suburbia”
The Saga of the Coffee Man, Part ???
Ugh I’m sorry to do this but my arch nemesis J*rry S*ltz has once again dragged his weird coffee habits into the news by penning a piece for Vulture today. And so, unfortunately, I must analyze it since I think maybe he’s talking about me in the last line of the first paragraph:
Namely, that anyone who has ever heard about how we eat and drink thinks we are insane.
The article is actually very long and heavy and deals with emotional trauma he suffered as a child, so I don’t feel comfortable ripping into it. Whether his childhood habits informed his current coffee peculiarities, I am not qualified enough to psychoanalyze.
But to answer some questions from people raised by the last post about how Jerry eats, here is some new insight. As previously mentioned, Jerry does not do takeout, he doesn’t go to restaurants, and he certainly doesn’t cook, which led many to ask how exactly he gets food into his body since those are the three main ways. Maybe this will answer:
Usually, about once a week at a nearby place called Agata & Valentina, I buy two large boxes of something called chicken paillard — which, now that I think about it, I’m not sure what that actually is. Premade pieces of non-breaded skinless chicken with a teriyaki-ish sauce. The chicken is stored in the fridge in Tupperware containers. We microwave one for lunch, one for dinner. Ditto bags of greens. I boil potatoes and steam Brussels sprouts or broccoli. For breakfast, it’s scrambled eggs and toast. I cook these. Other than snacks, fruit, sugar, carbo binges, and eating while going to galleries and museums, that’s it. I am a hunter-gatherer-microwaver providing for my wife, who is my eyes and mind. We got these lives and learned how to make them talk. We adapt to our environment with our shortcomings and survive.
OK, so, I guess that’s technically a form of cooking? It’s certainly healthier than what I’ve been doing during stay-at-home time, which is buying one of those six-foot hero sandwiches and whittling it down for a month until I am sick and it’s time to go back to the supermarket.
I like the Turnstile and TBR picks. I would add an Atmosphere track like You (obviously) or The Best Day. Maybe Lagwagon’s Bubble? Or D4’s How Many Punks?