God help me I think I love this Danzig Sings Elvis album
Sorry to start this otherwise lighthearted post off on a somber note, but we’re all going to have to make some difficult decisions in the future. The world is going to shrink and there will be less room to accommodate all the things we want to make, whether that means albums, books (NOT MINE), artwork, etc. By this time next year, the world will not need nor have room for an album where 64-year-old goth rocker Glenn Danzig sings a slew of songs by the late Elvis Presley. So, with that in mind, it’s all I want to listen to right now.
Sorry, I should back up. In case you didn’t hear, Danzig released an album yesterday called Danzig Sings Elvis on which he, well, you can probably figure it out. Fourteen of Elvis’ songs (I can’t even say “greatest hits” because they are some offbeat choices), as covered by Evil Elvis himself! Operators are standing by. Call now! 555-DNZG!
I truly believe this is the last moment in history in which an impractical novelty album such as this one could exist. I feel like just a few short months ago, back in the Before Time, I would have made fun of such a frivolous thing. And now, as it is the lighthouse on the shores of the Old World as we sail away from it into the unknown, I cherish it dearly.
There’s not much of a point to me “reviewing” it. It’s Danzig singing Elvis songs. Not much here in terms of surprises. Imagine what Danzig singing Elvis would sound like. ….Yes, that’s correct. You got it. Danzig, for all the jokes about his mesh shirts, punching photographers, suing the everloving shit out of his own bandmates, etc., has a distinct and good singing voice. Elvis had good songs. So… it’s good. Doesn’t require more analysis than that, folks.
So, by all means, throw Danzig Sings Elvis on your stereo today. Close your eyes and remember a time when you could listen to it on a drive to meet your friends for dinner, at which you could say, “You guys listen to that Danzig/Elvis album yet?” and then you and your friends would start asking each other if they’d seen his book club video or read the story about the bricks in front of his house and you would pull them up on your phones and show them to each other while the server waited patiently to ask if you needed anything else or if you were ready to take the check.
There’s an interview with Danzig in Rolling Stone in which he talks about it although he doesn’t really say anything interesting. Except this bit which for some reason I find extremely funny:
What do you have planned for the Elvis-themed shows you have coming up?
I want it to be kind of an old-school, Vegas-y vibe that’s all seated with 400 or 500 seats. Right now we’re just gonna do San Francisco and L.A. We’ll have tables right up onstage. No pit. None of that crazy shit. Come relax. If you want to have a drink, great. If not, come watch me and the guys do some Elvis stuff — it will be all Elvis stuff.
I like to imagine a Jersey guy like Danzig saying, “Ayyy, sit down, have a drink, watch me do the Elvis type stuff or something, capisce?”
I’m going to start saying “watch me and the guys do some Elvis stuff” all the time now. Wait, actually, I haven’t seen another human in five weeks. Nevermind. No, I won’t.
There’s a Ska Band on My Street
Let us now jump from Danzig to ska.
The way my house is situated, it’s very private and secluded and I can basically live my reclusive shut-in lifestyle and avoid seeing or interacting with people, which is great. HOWEVER, last week (or maybe it was two weeks ago or maybe it was a full month ago who the fuck knows anymore), one of my neighbors decided to take up the trumpet. It has been REAL rudimentary stuff coming out of that thing. Like, “Happy Birthday”-level shit. Every day around 3 p.m. this neighbor has been serenading me with their tooting.
Back when I lived in Brooklyn, this kind of thing would not fly. In fact, I am reminded that one apartment I lived in was on the third story of a building and next door was a little space that some folks used as a tiny gallery/theater for like 20 people. Of course it got demolished to make room for a condo monstrosity but one day before that, I heard a guy down there rehearsing the same line over and over and over. He would say, “What happened to my romantic life?” and he’d say it extremely dramatically. “What happened to my… ROMANTIC LIFE?!?!” This went on for some time until someone shouted from a neighboring window: “HOW BOUT YOU SHUT. THE FUCK. UP??” And everyone was happy and that was the end of that.
But now I’m in California and it’s considered “rude” to stick your head out the window and tell people to shut the fuck up even if they really need to shut the fuck up. So no one has told the trumpeteer to shut the fuck up. IN FACT, the opposite has happened. In some sort of solitary solidarity, the neighbor on the other side of me has ALSO bought a trumpet and now the two practice over my house every afternoon. And instead of asking things like, “How bout you shut the fuck up?” they ask each other “Hey what’s your name?” It sucks. I am in a ska band by default and it sucks.
I tried to drown it out with music yesterday and in some cruel twist of fate Spotify determined that what I really wanted to listen to was Buck-O-Nine. One way or another, I’m not making it out of this isolation alive. (P.S. music nerds feel free to tell me one of these is actually a trombone or something.)
Ugh, the Return of the Coffee Man
Alright, so I don’t want to dwell on this too much but ever since I wrote about New York art critic and noted nasty lil freek Jerry Saltz and his weirdo coffee habit, I have woken up to people tweeting at me about some bizarre shit he did overnight. Just one of the many daily hells into which I’m locked, seemingly with no end!
So for those who found me because of my Jerry posts, here are the four updates for this week. (Jesus Christ I can’t believe I have four points of order on this.)
Here’s a lil video interview Lifehacker did with him in which he claims he has no time to do anything but critique art (he is an art critic if he hasn’t mentioned!). Hmm sure seems like he has a lot of time to do these interviews though.
Below is some sort of weird closed circuit footage taken of him getting his pandemic juice. It looks like something police would release to the local news for a story that leads with LOCAL GAS STATION MART ROBBED BY LITTLE GOBLIN MAN. “The suspect was not armed, although witnesses say he kept pointing his purple hand at them as if it were a real gun. ‘Yeah, it was really weird,’ says the station’s cashier. ‘He kept pointing at people like he was gonna shoot us, even though we could all see it was just his finger.’ When asked if the man took any money, the cashier says, ‘No. He just kept screaming something about how he had art to critique and needed his coffee.’”
Also, maybe put the mask over your nose, Jerry. The little holes are where the germs come in.
The Frotcast had me on to talk about it and we also argued about Green Day’s Nimrod. (Which I think is good.) And also the movie Valley Girl which I watched last night and loved, and also finally get the Bouncing Souls reference. It’s a Patreon only ep (buddy, even I haven’t heard it!) but if you are a subscriber of theirs, you can hear it.
I also got mentioned on the podcast What a Time to Be Alive as their #1 thing to make you say “what a time to be alive.” It’s episode #128 if you’re looking and they devote a good 20 minutes to it. Although I’d hardly call 20 minutes spent talking about Jerry Saltz “good.”
Compete Against Me in Simpsons Trivia or Go to Hell
Hey, speaking of that last podcast, I know one of the hosts of it because he used to compete at the 90s Simpsons Trivia night I used to host in New York. We had chapters in other cities which are all sadly on hiatus due to Covid. BUT! Our Vancouver chapter hosts have been taking things online with a weekly Twitch stream and it’s a lot of fun! It’s the only thing that’s been making me feel normal. My team scored 41/50 and 42.5/50 over the last two weeks, respectively. Which is pathetic considering I hosted this event every single month for six years and probably asked over 3,000 questions and should know all the answers. Guess I’m not so smart without my… teeeeaacher’s edition. Anyway, stop by this Sunday. And every Sunday. Until I figure out how to host it too. Then come to mine.
Alright, everyone. Stay safe and stay sane. Approach each day with the unbridled optimism of Jenny Lewis doing a livestream HIGH AS ABSOLUTE SHIT on 4/20.
